Boredom "On Ice"

There are many things I miss as my children get older. I miss participating in activities in their classroom. I miss naps. And I miss the sweet smell of the tops of their heads as they dozed on my shoulder.

But the one thing I will not miss is sitting through anything that ends with the words “on ice”.

Don’t get me wrong. I love hockey. As a teenager, I was a huge fan of the New York Rangers, and though I’m still a little sketchy on the term “off sides”, I still enjoy the fast paced action of a good hockey game.

I also really enjoy figure skating. When the winter Olympics aired last year, I was riveted to all the figure skating. Even ice dancing.

No, the words “on ice” that I refer to are those skating revues that sprout like mushrooms at our local sports arena each year during winter vacation. This year’s production: “Toy Story 3…On Ice”.

Something‘s happened to these ice revues over the years. When I was a kid, there were no movie tie-ins for the ice show. It was simply called “The Ice Capades”, and usually it featured an assortment of B-list skaters and possibly a former Olympian or two. And yes, it took me 40 years to realize that the title “Ice Capades” is a play on the word “escapade”. (What can I say? I’m slow to catch on.)

I have a vague memory of my parents taking my sisters and me to see “Ice Capades” at Madison Square Garden in NYC. I can’t remember how old I was, but I remember being transfixed by the sparkly costumes, the majestic music and the grace and beauty of the skating. I also remember my father purchasing a small souvenir flashlight on a string. The trick was to swing the flashlight around in a circle, and if you looked throughout the audience you could see thousands of circles of light in the darkness. It took me less than a minute to hit my dad in the face, at which point the flashlight disappeared into my mother’s purse for the remainder of the performance.

Fast forward 35 years to a February vacation where I was the mom and my own children were begging to see the ice show du jour: “Disney’s The Incredibles On Ice”. As I mentioned, ice shows have morphed over the years to focus on one central theme for the program. The year I took my children, the theme was Disney/Pixar’s “The Incredibles”. Since I have two sons, it seemed a more appropriate choice than “Disney Princesses On Ice” or “The Little Mermaid On Ice”.

As my family waited for the program to begin, I noticed several vendors walking through the stands hawking popcorn and cotton candy. Apparently, inflation has severely affected cotton candy prices, because the vendors were asking an astronomical $10 each. Popcorn wasn’t much better, and purchasing a Slushee for each child would have involved a second mortgage. Each treat was housed in some sort of “commemorative” packaging, so when the actual snack was finished, kids would have a cheap plastic cup or wand to remind them of that special afternoon that sent their parents into bankruptcy.

I ignored my children’s cries of “I’m hungry” and “I’m thirsty” and reminded them to focus on the ice skating instead. As the lights dimmed, I leaned forward in my seat, anticipating the “incredible” skating ahead.

90 minutes later I realized that “The Incredibles On Ice” was basically one big commercial for Disney World, thinly veiled in a story featuring the characters from the movie: Syndrome, the villain from the film, chases The Incredibles throughout Disney World, as the family checks out all the featured rides at the theme park. The skating was adequate, but what I remember most about the program was deflecting the million dollar question as we exited the arena: “When are we going to Disney World Mom?” Gee, thanks Disney.

The other day I was relaying our “Incredibles on Ice” story to a friend of mine. He laughed and suggested that perhaps they should base an ice show on a different movie: “The Expendables”. If you’re not familiar with that film, Sylvester Stallone leads a team of mercenaries to South America to overthrow a dictator. The film also stars Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li and a handful of other tough guys. I can just imagine “The Expendables on Ice”. A combination of mixed martial arts and ice skating. Pyrotechnics and triple Salchows. Cotton candy hanging from plastic souvenir Uzis.

Now that’s something I would pay money to see.