Do's and Don'ts of Christmas - 12/23/08

And so it is Christmas Eve, less than 24 hours until the Big Kahuna of holidays. As my husband, kids and I drive to my familial home in New Jersey, I'm able to reflect on some of the Christmas traditions that I perpetuate each year. So kick back, sip a cup of cocoa and check out my "must" list for Christmas:

1) At the top of the list is a viewing of "A Christmas Carol", and it must be the version with George C. Scott. Yes, I know...Alastair Sim...classic...blah blah blah. I ask you, whom did Alistair Sim play BESIDES Scrooge? George C. was Patton, among other things, and he rocks Ebenezer Scrooge like no one else. Throw in David Warner as a cowering Bob Cratchett and a truly ghoulish-looking Tiny Tim and you're good to go. Follow this viewing with six or eight hours of 'A Christmas Story" on TNT, a go-round of "Elf" for the kids and a showing of Bill Murray's "Scrooged" for my husband.

2) Attend a candlelight service on Christmas Eve: Standing in a darkened church, holding a small lit candle and singing "Silent Night" is another "must" on my list. This also gives my family the opportunity to reminisce about the year my younger sister Amelia managed to light her hair on fire (she was wearing a wreath of garland after playing an angel in the Christmas pageant.) Luckily, my usually Agnostic father was in attendance and managed to beat out the flames before any serious damage was done. A Christmas miracle!

3) Listen to some of the best under-played Christmas songs which include The Waitresses "Christmas Wrapping", The Kinks' "Father Christmas" and "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band-Aid. These are the songs you probably won't hear much on Oldies 103 or any of the other all-Christmas-all-the-time radio stations. My husband complains that these stations only have a playlist of about 25 holiday songs. If you take into account that they have multiple artists singing the same songs (6 different versions of I'll Be Home For Christmas") then he's right! Throw in Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song" and my holiday is complete.

4) Torture my children by prolonging the wait for presents: The Andersons have a hard and fast rule about Christmas presents. Stockings are opened before breakfast, all other presents must wait until after. As a kid, my parents would eat their breakfast with record slowness. As my sisters and I writhed on the floor in agony, my father would toss out a "Maybe I'll have another cup of coffee" while my mother brushed each of her teeth individually for hours. Finally, with my parents settled in, my sisters and I could throw ourselves into the bacchanalia of unwrapping. With children of my own, I now understand the fun of this tradition.

5) Visit the tackiest house in East Brunswick, NJ: What do the Pyramids of Giza, the Great Wall of China and the house at Farm's Road Circle all have in common? All can be seen from space. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit on that last item, but no Christmas would be complete without a visit to the most ostentatious holiday display in the Garden State. Animatronics, blaring Christmas carols, lights embedded in the grass...and ironically, a small sign amongst the multiple Santas and Frosties that says "Jesus is the reason for the season".
The local newspaper interviewed my parents during one such visit. My father's sarcasm was obviously lost on the reporter, because my parents were quoted as saying, "We stand in awe." (My mother fretted for weeks that her friends would think she actually liked it.) Sadly, there is nothing in Hanover that even comes close, so why not take a walk through the bright-yet-tasteful Smith Family display at 428 King Street instead? Drop a few dollars in the jar and help fight Juvenile Diabetes.

And now onto the "must not" list:

I must not listen to "The Christmas Shoes". This song has booted Roy Orbison's "Pretty Paper" from the top position as the most wretched, miserable, depressing Christmas song ever. A stranger witnesses a scruffy little urchin buying shoes for his dying mother so that "she'll look pretty if she meets Jesus tonight". Blech! I must also not listen to any of the over-orchestrated stylings of Mannheim Steamroller or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Their version of "Carol of the Bells" sounds like background music for a "Die Hard" movie. I'll take "Dominick The Christmas Donkey" over this any day.

Eggnog must not be consumed under any circumstances. Aside from my milk phobia, the idea of drinking a glass of something with six billion calories and a thousand grams of fat just doesn't sit right. If you must drink eggnog, please drink responsibly and make sure it's pasteurized. Friends don't let friends get salmonella for Christmas.

I must not eat fruitcake. I value my teeth. And doorstops really aren't food.

I must not react visibly when I open the gift my father ordered from the “Everything 3 for $20" catalog, a great place to buy gifts for his three daughters without favoring one over the other. Past gifts have included garden gnomes and a footrest shaped like a black bear.

And at the top of my list: I must not ever forget that the greatest gift at Christmas is the love of my family and friends. In the words of that ghoulish but wise Tiny Tim: "God Bless Us Everyone."

Merry Christmas