A Nutty Experience at 5 Guys Burgers

My husband thinks I’m trying to kill him…but I swear that I’m not.

The other night, my older son invited four of his friends to sleep over. The mother of one of the boys generously offered to take us all out to dinner first at Pizzeria Uno’s. Not wanting my younger son to feel left out, I planned for my husband to take him to dinner at the new Five Guys Burgers restaurant that just opened in town, followed by a movie.

I was a bit nervous about the dinner at Uno’s in that one of my son’s friends has severe food allergies. Luckily, the manager, servers and kitchen staff all treated our request for an allergy-free meal with the utmost care, and our dinner went off without a hitch (unless you count the number of free Mountain Dew refills the kids drank, ensuring enough caffeine to keep them up till 3 a.m.)

As we were waiting for our table, I fell into conversation with another couple waiting to be seated. Turns out, they had just come from Five Guys Burgers and decided not to wait on the extremely long line but opted to try their luck at Uno’s instead. Immediately I felt guilty for suggesting that my husband take my son there. I hoped that the crowd didn’t put a damper on their evening plans.

After dinner, I drove my “five guys” back to my house, listening with amusement as they sung along to the new Black Eyed Peas album blasted at top volume. “I’m sorry if we’re giving you a headache,” one of the boys apologized. Once home the kids made a beeline for the basement where they spent the next twelve hours shooting each other with Nerf guns, quaffing down yet more caffeinated soda, and watching videos on YouTube. Sleep was not part of their plan.

About an hour after we arrived home, my husband and younger son came back from the movie. I asked my son how he liked the movie (he did) and how he liked the new Five Guys Burgers restaurant. “It was very crowded, but good.” He wandered off to find the rest of the boys, inadvertently providing them with a moving target for their Nerf war. Then my husband walked in and I asked him the same question: “How was Five Guys Burgers? Was it crowded?”

“It was a death trap.” My husband replied, in all seriousness.

Okay, a little background information here. My husband also has severe food allergies. Quite a lot of them. The list is too long to print here, but two of the many items on his list are white potatoes and peanuts. Had I done my research, I might have suggested another restaurant for him to try. But I inadvertently sent him in blind.

“First of all,” he began, “they have peanuts everywhere. People are eating peanuts at every table, there are peanut shells everywhere, and there are cases of peanuts stacked along the walls.”

“Uh-oh,” I replied, not liking where this was going.

“There were also sacks of potatoes all along the wall, and it turns out that all their handmade, fresh French fries are fried in peanut oil. It’s right there on the menu in big letters.”

My husband explained that at that point he immediately popped an antihistamine and waited in a very long line to order food for himself and my son. Luckily, the burgers were safe for him, but he couldn’t even touch the French fries back from which my son was eating, soaked as it was in peanut grease. He added that they finally found a seat at a counter, right next to a tower of peanut boxes stacked on cans of peanut oil.

I apologized to my husband and reassured him that I was not trying to kill him; that I had just neglected to research this new restaurant everyone was talking about. The only thing I knew about Five Guys Burgers was that the food was fantastic and that our town was lucky to get one. I can’t imagine why a restaurant would feature peanuts when there are so many folks today who are allergic, but I guess they are successful enough without that particular consumer segment.

Thankfully my husband emerged unscathed, but for the grace of God. From now on, he can stick to Uno’s and other allergy-friendly restaurants. If my sons want to go back for more Five Guys Burgers, I’ll be the one taking them. I won’t send my husband back to that place.

Because that would be nuts.