To Hug or Not To Hug?

Okay, confession time: I'm not a hugger.

You know those people who can't say hello or goodbye without enfolding you in a warm, loving embrace? I'm not one of them.

I enjoy hugs. I could hug my children forever. (I try, but they somehow always manage to wriggle free). I love hugging my husband too. I'm comfortable hugging my parents.
But as far as everyone else is concerned, hugging is out of my comfort zone.

Why? Well, for one thing I'm not a germaphobe (actually, the term is mysophobia, a fear of contact with dirt). I have no fear about catching someone's cold, flu, Ebola or dandruff. Germaphobes don't sit in hotel hot tubs for hours and hours. (A friend of mine who is slightly mysophobic is probably gagging as she reads this.) I'm not afraid to be touched (aphenphosmphobia, to be accurate, and does that even look like a real word? Too many letters.). I don't jump out of my skin if someone lays a hand on my shoulder or my arm.

I guess I just find social hugging to be awkward. We standoffish Americans have somehow adopted the more European custom of full-body greetings. In a nutshell, the handshake is out and hugging is in. Not that I've ever been all that comfortable with the handshake either: One pump or two? Loose grip or firm? And how do you handle that one person who lets their hand sit like a dead fish while yours does all the work? Clammy hands? Don't get me started. But I digress.

If the mechanics of the handshake are difficult to master, think about what's involved with the hug. Where do you put your arms? Around the neck, like a high school slow dance? Around the waist, like someone about to perform the Heimlich maneuver? Maybe just one arm up, and one arm down to be safe. But what if they put up the same arm? Uncomfortable colliding ensues, which necessitates someone having to readjust his or her arm position, which makes the hug even more awkward.

And lets say you get your arm positions right on the first try... How hard to hug? Do you give a big squeeze ("Gosh I've missed you!") or apply light pressure ("What's your name again?") Who releases first? If you do, and the other person is still hugging, you're an uncaring jerk. If they release first and you're still holding on, you're clingy. As if huggers aren't bad enough, watch out for holders. These are the folks who keep their arms encircled around you for an uncomfortably long period of time, for agonizing seconds or minutes after the hug has ended. One friend confided to me that another friend (a holder) hung on so long she thought she was going to be rocked to sleep.

Making the social hug all the more complicated is the addition of the social kiss. Within a split second, you have to evaluate whether the hugger is coming in for a kiss as well. On the lips or on the cheek? Left cheek or right? And is it a real kiss, or an air kiss? God forbid someone comes in for an air kiss (it's really just your ears kissing at that point) and you plant your lips on their cheek. I'm not comfortable kissing anyone on the lips (other than my husband) so if someone looks like they're coming in for the real thing, at the last minute I shift to plant it to the side of their mouth (more than an air kiss, but not the full lippage).

How do men handle all this? They've got to evaluate whether to do the hug, the handshake, or that freakish combination of handshake that turns into a chest bump (not quite a hug since the arms don't always encircle the back). If men do go for the full hug, do they add the back slap, or just leave it be? And what's with the fist bump? It's like the human version of mountain goats ramming their horns together. The male-male social hug seems to have endless variations over the female-female variety, but for some reason kissing doesn't seem to enter that mix.

I guess what it boils down to is that while I'm not adverse to hugs from friends (or even modest social acquaintances) I'm not going to be the instigator. When encountering someone at the store, the library or a party, I'm perfectly content with a friendly smile and a hand raised in greeting. Physically, I feel no need to take it to that next level.

I have a close friend who feels the same way I do. She had me over just before Christmas and as I was leaving, I wished her a happy holiday and said I would see her in a week's time. We looked at each other for a moment. I said, "Should we hug?" to which she replied "That thought never entered my mind."

Ironically, I could have hugged her for that.