What Moms Do

Last week I read a news story about a political candidate’s mother stealing a lawn sign bearing the name of her son’s opponent. My first reaction was to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation. Then I imagined the embarrassment the mother must have felt, being caught red-handed. Add in the embarrassment of the political candidate, who will now be known as “… that guy whose Mommy stole a sign for him on election day.” How do you live that down in your political career?

After reading the entire article, it became clear that the mother was embarrassed, the son disavowed any involvement in the incident and I was left thinking about the things that we mothers do for our children.

Granted, I have never stolen a political sign for my child (I did take one once just for fun, but I had had a drink or two and the name on the sign was just too tempting: Herb Lemon. Political candidate? Or chicken dish?) I’ve also never hired a hit man to bump off the mother of one of my child’s sports rivals, as Wanda Holloway did in Texas in 1991. Holloway thought that if she killed the mother of her daughter’s cheerleading rival, the girl would be so overcome with grief she’d drop out of the competition for a coveted place on the cheerleading squad.

The movies are full of female characters that go to great lengths for their children: Barbara Stanwyck as “Stella Dallas”, Joan Crawford’s “Mildred Pierce”, and of course Shirley MacLaine’s frantic turn around the nurse’s station, screaming for her daughter’s medication in “Terms of Endearment”. Though I haven’t had histrionics in the middle of a hospital, I do try to be the “squeaky wheel” when it comes to being an advocate for my child.

Here’s the problem. We all want to do everything we can for our children. But each day is a balancing act of just how much is too much? We don’t want to be classified as a helicopter mom, the ones who hover constantly over everything their child does. But childhood can be a minefield of tricky situations. When should we step and in when should we step back?

For example, if my child has an issue with another child, my first inclination is to let them work it out themselves. As long as my child isn’t being bullied or abused, it’s healthy to let them try to work out the situation without parent intervention. However, if that other child crosses the line, I have no qualms about picking up the phone and speaking with the teacher, or the other child’s parent. I would expect that parent to do the same if their child was on the receiving end and my kid was to blame (and guess what…I have gotten those phone calls. They are not fun.)

Homework is another issue. My friend, who is a mom herself, always asks me how many hours my parents spent cracking the whip while I did my homework. My parents were always available if I needed help, but they operated under the general assumption that I was completing my homework each day, on my own (I was). There was no constant redirecting of my attention to the books; they simply asked me if my homework was finished before I went to bed. Maybe this hands-off, sink-or-swim approach would work better than the constant badgering directed at my 7th grader each night.

When it comes to academics, social situations, sports and other activities, we just want our kids to do well and feel good about themselves. But what about those times when they do poorly? What about those times when they don’t feel good about themselves? When a child gets cut from a sports team, receives a poor grade on a test, or is not invited to a birthday party, do we step in and try to “fix” it or do we use it as a teaching moment? The road ahead is full of challenges. Do we soften the blow now or do we let them toughen up for those situations in their future when they will really be challenged.

There is no right or wrong answer. Some of us will hover. Others will let their kids tough it out on their own. I try to look to my own mother as an example. She didn’t steal lawn signs or hire hit men or call my teachers every week. She didn’t demand to know why I wasn’t invited to birthday parties or try to scrounge up some long lost cousin for a prom date. She didn’t chase the neighborhood boys away with threats, but she did visit my 8th grade principal to stop a classmate who was bullying me. She didn’t hover, but in everything she ever said or did for me, she let me know just how much she loved and supported me.

What better example to follow than that?