Welcome to the "-itis" club

As people mature, some like to join a tennis club, others join a country club. Me, I’ve joined the “-itis” club.

Not familiar with the “-itis” club? Well, it’s not at all exclusive. Anyone can join. Yes, we have a strict membership policy, but we don’t exclude based on race, religion or financial status.

A few years ago, on a visit to my primary care physician, I mentioned an ache in my thumbs and hands. I figured it might be carpal tunnel syndrome. Nope. My doctor assured me that what I was feeling was the beginning of arthritis. This was my entry into the “-itis” club.

Last week, I further cemented my membership when I received the results of an MRI. You see, I’ve been having pain in my shoulder and my arm whenever I reach behind me or extend my arm fully. The diagnosis? Bursitis and tendonitis. Whoo hoo, lucky me! Two more status symbols for my “-itis” club membership.

Gee, if I’m really lucky, maybe I can swing dermatitis, colitis and phlebitis. I guess I should be thankful that so far I’ve managed to avoid tonsillitis and appendicitis. Both my young son and my niece contracted cellulitis of the eye, and were lucky to keep their vision. (See, we don’t discriminate by age either!) My friend’s dad (who’s also in the club) has suffered from pancreatitis, which is very painful, so I’m crossing my fingers against that one. Although, with the arthritis and all, that might not be such a good idea.

The suffix “-itis” is derived from a Greek suffix and can be traced back to the Greek noun “nostos”, which means disease. When an organ or body part becomes swollen or inflamed, the suffix “-itis” is added to the end. (I’m starting to sound like the father in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. Maybe Windex could cure my bursitis).

I’m fairly sure my husband wouldn’t mind if I contracted a case of laryngitis, even if only for a day or so, but I doubt he’d be thrilled if I had hepatitis. Blepharitis is an inflammation of the eyelids (wow, the things you learn on the internet.) Prostatitis is something I’ll never have to worry about (though my husband better watch out). If I don’t bundle up, I could also catch bronchitis and sinusitis.

And who knows, now that I’m firmly entrenched in the “-itis” club, I might try for dual membership in the “-osis” club. (“-osis” is a suffix that refers to a process, condition or state, usually abnormal or diseased.) My father and mother-in-law both have spinal stenosis, and my son has mild scoliosis. If I drink too much, I could end up with cirrhosis. Cook that pork chop thoroughly, or I might end up with trichinosis. And hey, how ‘bout that two for one deal: Diverticulitis and Diverticulosis.

I guess the thing that bothers me most about being in the “-itis” club is that when I complained to my doctor about the arthritis, the bursitis and the tendonitis, her reply was, “Well, that’s what you can expect at this age”.

Ouch. I think that hurts more than all the “-itis” and “-osis” combined.