Random Thoughts

The television show Saturday Night Live used to have a segment entitled “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”. I used to love that segment because the thoughts were anything but deep; they were downright bizarre. Every now and then, a random thought will pop into my head and I’ll think, “I should write about that in my column.” Enough of these thoughts have crowded around the junk drawer of my brain, and I think it’s time to let them out.

So here they are: Random thoughts…by Laura Anderson.

What possesses people to drive with their dog on their lap? When I see this my first thought is, “What happens to the dog in the event of an accident? You wouldn’t drive with your child on your lap?” (Unless you’re Britney Spears). Are these dog lovers so attached they can’t bear to relegate their pets to the back seat? Is the dog programming the GPS or changing the radio station? Or are these drivers hoping that, in the event of a stroke or heart attack, their dog will instinctively take the wheel?

When did the red light become a stop sign and the stop sign become a yield sign? On several occasions I’ve had the driver in front of me suddenly turn left or charge through the intersection while the light is nowhere close to changing to green. I took Drivers Ed more than 30 years ago, but I’m fairly sure you’re still supposed to wait for the light to turn green. And more often than I care to count, drivers no longer stop at stop signs but roll through with hardly a tap on their brakes. Are they in a rush or are they just distracted by the dog on their lap?

This afternoon, I parked behind a large minivan with a bumper sticker that read, “This Car Climbed Mount Washington!” Should I be impressed? After all, it’s a car. I assume that Mt. Washington has a paved road for just this purpose (or did the car outfit itself at REI and climb up instead?) If the bumper sticker said, “This Car Climbed Mt. Everest”, then that would impress me. Ironically, the car’s driver was exceptionally well padded, which made me think that perhaps he would have benefitted from climbing the mountain himself instead of letting the car do all the work (at least he gave the car full credit).

What’s nearly as frustrating as entering a public bathroom stall with no toilet paper? Entering one with no hook for your purse. Sorry gentlemen, this random thought only concerns the ladies. More often than not, the smooth, shiny door has two holes where the hook used to be. Did someone’s heavy bag pull the hook from the door? Did a frugal woman unbolt it and bring it home for her own bathroom? Without a hook, where are we expected to place our handbags while attending to business? The floor? Our laps? The holes are already drilled. Replace the hook.

And while we’re on the subject of women’s accessories, I recently found an eBay store called Single Shoe Outlet. This store sells single high end shoes. I wondered, other than someone with a prosthetic, who is buying single designer shoes? Luckily their website provided the answer: People with severely mismatched feet (oh my). People who have lost one shoe of a pair (Cinderella?) People who have damaged one shoe of a pair (pit bull attack?) People who are part of the trend of wearing different shoes on different feet (seriously?) And my personal favorite: “Folks who cannot afford these expensive shoes can have one in their closets.” Imagine how proud these folks are when their friend asks for a tour of their closet and they toss off this phrase in a devil-may-care way: “That Christian Louboutin pump? Yes it’s lovely, isn’t it? I must have kicked the other one under the bed last night when I came home from sipping champagne at the Four Seasons.”

Thank you for indulging me in sharing my random thoughts. I expect that as a result all dogs will now travel in the back seat, all stop signs and red lights will be obeyed, hooks will be immediately replaced in all restrooms and cars will stop bragging about climbing Mt. Washington.

Now if only I could find that other Louboutin pump…